It’s painful

Today I had been looking forward to the road trip with my best friend. He brought me so far down today I just feel sick. He says things when he’s annoyed that hurts people. He does things that truly hurt people that love him and give him all of themselves. And then he blames you and is mean to you for caring for him.

The most hurtful thing is that I have supported him through everything and when he’s stressed he goes out of his way to break my heart into a billion pieces.

I just wished I didn’t care about anyone other than myself , maybe it would be easier.

2024

Hmm it’s been quite a while! I’m now the Director of Operations for a global company. I have an additional job for my sanity which is working at a music school for children. I am claiming more financial gain in 2024. I have a house I want to purchase at the end of this year so I need new opportunities for more money. I’m open to even creating something new to make it happen. I’d also love to write a book 🥰

What are your desires for this year?

What kind of things do you do to bring you vision to life?
I’ve always been a goal setter, I break in down into little timelines so I don’t overwhelm myself but I set those goals. I also love vision boards and daily affirmations.

Let me know what you’re up to this year!

Year 35

Today I start the 35th year of my life. 5s are lucky for me! I was even born at 4:45am… I’m excited! I have a job where I am now in a position I never imagined being in. I have so much promise in my current reality and I know the fun is just beginning.

Today I want to tell Deborah of the future that she’s got this, she’s going to blow her own mind (as per usual) and that this year the Universe is going to conspire to give you every single thing you want. Don’t wonder, it’s done, yours, that’s it… have it, enjoy it! 💕

Always something!

So I recently had to have emergency back surgery due to a herniated disk at L5 (bottom of spine) it was crushing my S1 and S2 nerves on my left side. What that meant was I couldn’t feel half of my left leg and foot, externally that is… on the inside it felt like my leg was on fire or had hot oil running through my blood. I’m one week post-op though the problems started about 2 months ago but I wasn’t in really bad pain just had some numbness at the bottom of my foot so I ignored it. Just a suggestion… don’t ignore numbness or pain ever… its best to overreact so you don’t end up in an ER and having surgery the next day. I’m recovering nicely and actually drove today though who knows when I will fully regain feeling in my leg and foot, they say the nerves take the longest to heal if they do heal… we are assuming they will because it happened very quickly. I have had moments while taking Magnesium where I could feel my whole foot so I’m looking forward to fully healing. I’m only really struggling with the not being able to Bend, Lift and Twist thing. But I’m only taking Advil for some pain at the site and muscle relaxers for when I get spasms….

Pasta in a rice cooker!?

I didn’t even know this was a thing! I made sauce earlier today with smoked sausage, peppers and onions. For lunch I ate that on a freshly baked Portuguese roll with mozzarella on it…. so good!

For dinner I figured just boil some pasta and toss that on there… but I was reading and came across an article about pasta in a rice cooker. I most recently bought a rice cooker because obviously it’s quick and smaller amounts are easier for me to make that way… anyway lol I was like oh I should try it out… it worked! I’m like shut up! Lol then I just added the sauce in and left it on keep heated to reheat that sauce. I’m all about this type of easy dinner business.

Today was not exciting at all… lots of laundry and cleaning happened today though! Hope you had a delightful day out there!

A very weird day

Today was such an odd day, everything that happened was wonky or off from usual just enough that I was like 🧐

I’m not going to say much beyond that because it was also a long day and I’m super tired! But do weird days also throw you off? Or maybe they are so strange that they make you laugh? I was laughing at some point going damn today is a strange day! Lol Here is to laughter when nothing makes sense!! 🍻

Is 2019 going to be the year??

Lol… Is 2019 going to be the year that I actually blog for the full year!? Let’s give it a shot. The hope is not necessarily length of each blog as much as staying accountable to posting everyday.

So let’s talk about the end of 2018… on Christmas someone took the time to send me a nasty Facebook message… then unfollowed me and blocked me and I still don’t even understand what the everlasting fuck they were talking about. That bothered me a few days because I have not done anything to anyone at all… between work and school I barely see the people in my own house so I’m like how is someone I barely even talk to saying some craziness to me right now!?

Anyway I rung in the new year in bed with the cats lol and it was peaceful and happy because they love me.

Let’s hope for a bomb 2019!

I disappeared, But I’m back

Hello again,

I had done so well at the start of last year (2017) at writing almost daily but then I got sidetracked by my heart and those that I love so much. Since then I have continued school and working on a Ph.D. is still no joke. Mental health has never been more real to me as it is today… From looking at society to looking at the people living in my own home.

I’ve gotten caught up as one does, because it’s so easy to do so. Incredibly easy to get caught up in a moment and then a series of moments, eventually you realize time has passed, things have been set aside and memories have been created… sometimes they are perfection and sometimes they are all the things nightmares are made of.

But the glorious thing about all of it is that it’s my story, my life… and perfect despite what my very human mind tells me. My soul tells a different story of how this is a beautiful display of all the lessons I was meant to learn and the journeys I was meant to have. This stunning display is uniquely mine ❤

 

Day 124 of 365

I had a color reading today, I was asked to select 3 colors (Red, Blue and Rose) and here are my results.
Your FIRST CHOICE represents who you are; it is your essence color. It is the color that represents your soul’s gifts, purpose and life potential. It helps link you to past lives and/or the subconscious/karma.
Your SECOND CHOICE represents your core challenges. This color reveals the clues to root issues that need awareness and transformation. Reflecting on the negative aspects of the colors helps one see the roots of “problems.” This challenge bottle helps us transform the negative to the positive, becoming aware and conscious of the chakra that needs balancing and strengthening.
Your THIRD CHOICE represents the overall energy of the future. Here we look at the collective meaning of each colour
RED – ENERGY & GROUNDING

You are a vibrant and dynamic being who loves being alive. You bring passion to everything you do, pushing yourself into present action. You are a catalyst that makes things happen, manifesting and claiming your space. You have an infectious enthusiasm and determination that enables you to be self-reliant, bold and focused and your strong will, courage and bravery allow you to take the risks required to achieve success.

Red, you are consciousness, self-disciplined and have great integrity. Your ability to be a pioneer and take on matters of the world makes you a first class leader when and if you wish to follow this path.

You are endowed with endless amounts of courage and will face any challenge that comes your way rising up to meet the challenge head on. You can be competitive and very grounded, not holding on to grudges when things go wrong. Your energy is very powerful and sometimes can intimidate without you even noticing, so keep yourself in check every now and again to see if you are not being too dominant.
BLUE – PEACE & COMMUNICATION

Blue is great for those of us who have difficulty listening and absorbing other peoples” points of view, helping us shift defensive and reactive communication. When we feel we have a lot to say but just can”t seem to say it right, blue helps us share clearly and effectively. It is great for all singers and speakers and even helpful for people with speech impediments and throat problems. By healing deep-seated issues that may relate to the father and authority, issues that often underlie communication breakdowns, blue allows us to express our words from a place of calm clarity and strength. Blue brings peace.
ROSE Divine Love

This bottle represents the Goddess in all of her aspects. You understand and hold the dark and light, the waxing and waning moon. You feel comfortable in your skin and may be interested in kundalini and tantric practices. Connection with this mist indicates a powerful relationship with the sacred feminine; you celebrate her beauty, sensuality, creativity and sexual divinity. You go with the flow of the ever-changing cycle of life. You are a natural mother whether you have your own children or whether you mother and care for others.

Day 123 of 365

I’m fascinated by what I’m currently reading… Why do people only believe in what they perceive in their subjective consciousness? Meanwhile, there is also plenty we have come to know as “real” that we do not see. Radio waves can be heard, but no one sees them, infrared and ultraviolet isn’t seen by the naked eye either but we know it’s there. Even things like our DNA and cells, when we bleed we don’t see any of it with our eyes but science and others who have studied these things over time have come to know that it is real. And yet, We question having a soul and we question that we were created with purpose, something makes us tick… something makes us non-mechanical, something makes us different and I argue that though we can’t see our soul bodies… it is that very thing we cannot see that gives us our awareness and consciousness. I believe that by tapping into that frequency, that is just like finding your radio station we come to know how real it is. All you have to do it turn your soul “radio” on and look for it. There is so much more to life that what is in your face… don’t get sucked into what everyone else thinks is currently true because the past has shown us that we evolve over time and just because there isn’t tangible proof of something today doesn’t mean that in the future there won’t be. Focus on you being aware and growing more than what everyone else says is, it is that kind of mind that makes the great discoveries that we have come to depend on!